Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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