What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
