no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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