They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
