I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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