Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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