I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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