Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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