Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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