Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
