I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
