YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
