I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
