I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
