im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
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And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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