My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
