i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
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I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
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I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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