This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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