Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Less talking, more tequila
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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