Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
