the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
