I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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