Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
