Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
