You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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