you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
