I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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