my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
