I faked an abortion last night.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
