I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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