i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
