Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
