I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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