If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You dont lie about slip and slides
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
