I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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