I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
