Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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