Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
