the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.