when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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