What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
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He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
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Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."