The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.