I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
