I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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