he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
