her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
