I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
