maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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