i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
