This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
