My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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