Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Randomize
