I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i think my cat just said my name.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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