I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
