Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
