When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
