The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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