I cockslap morals
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You've changed since you got that strap on
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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