mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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