A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
