I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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